A Letter To The Man I Married.

I have wanted to write this letter for so long. I have come to a point of relief in the choice I made to have gotten married and quickly choosing to leave the marriage after 5 months.

A little back story. The man I had married is from Portland, Oregon. I am from Orange County, CA. We met when I was 21 in CA. We parted ways in life for awhile and then rejoined again when the time was right for us to be together. We were together in Portland, OR and married there.

I knew from the time I met him that he was going to be the man I married one day. I remember being freaked out by that feeling because I was so young at the time but I just knew this person and I were meant to make that leap at some point in life. Little did I know at that young of an age it was going to be my biggest learning lesson about myself later on in life that I needed to go through to really learn that I needed to change.

I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. I have spent most of my life putting others before myself and wanting to make everyone happy. I would do anything for anybody. I have done anything for anybody.

I settled a lot and did a lot of things in order to my make the man that I was marrying/married happy.

Like not getting married the way I wanted and no romantic honeymoon along with a marriage that was not what I had hoped for.

It is a sore subject for me today that I went through with his planned wedding vs fighting harder for what I had believed in – in a way of getting married. I was done fighting with him and just wanted to make him happy and give him what he wanted in hopes of getting the marriage that I wanted.

That didn’t happen.

In my marriage I was alone, made to feel crazy, unhappy, no trust AT ALL, embarrassed multiple times on social media and in front of people, along with so much more.

ADDICTS

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I married an addict. His addiction was more then I could handle. His addiction caused a lot of pain and embarrassment to me. His addiction didn’t apologize ever for the things that I was put through. His addiction was why I left him. Not once but twice.

I will stop right here with the back story because I just have so many feelings towards everything. It is time that I write this letter and never EVER feel guilt again about leaving leaving the man I married.

 

To The Man I Married,

 It is amazing how so much time has gone by since I left you and you can still manage to lie to me like you did the entire time we were together. You have been telling me for a long while now that you have been sober since August 17th. You are so so sad. You know that I know that August 17th is the day your sister died sometime ago and how dare you even utter that lie with that date that you have been sober when you have been arrested 5 times since August 17th.

It was the most amazing feeling for me to come across your mugshots and arrest records. All arrests for cocaine/drunk. Some had other felonies along with them and misdemeanors. The one that finally gave me relief and freedom in the choice that I left you was seeing one of the arrest records shows strangulation. 

You have once pushed me around, locked me in a garage, thrown my phone out a window, spit in my face, drunkenly post to social media mean things about me, drunkenly tried to rape me, pick me up and slam into the ground, drunkenly post to craigslist a photo of us saying that we were swingers, drunkenly left the house so many times and drove off leaving me to wonder if that is the night you are going to kill someone or yourself and drunkenly did so so much more. 

All this and no sober apology because in your eyes none of this happened. How could it have happened you were drunk and high. So obviously that couldn’t have been you! In your famous words ” I don’t remember it so it didn’t happen”

I know that I am never going to get the sober apology that I am looking for from you and that is okay.

Here is what I have gotten from you……

Because of you and our marriage and me having the strength to leave you I have grown. I no longer feel the need to please anyone or make anyone happy. I have ended “friendships” and found the greatest love that I always dreamed for in an amazing person that I am so honored and so proud to be with. I don’t put up with anyone’s bullshit the way I use to. I am no longer a dead, scared, weak, afraid human being inside. 

I get to make my own family. I am growing a human in me right now as I write this. I never would have gotten to have kids in my life if I was still with you not because neither of us couldn’t but because I knew better then to bring a child in this world with someone who was willing to do the things to me that you have done let alone to yourself. 

Growing my human and finding out one of your arrests was for strangulation is what has brought me so much peace. That could have been me. At one point that was me. I was thrown on a bed and grabbed at the throat by you once but I made a run for it and never went back to you. You decided to destroy most of my clothes which was okay for me because running from you that day was one of the best days of my life. 

I had my own faults in this marriage as well. I will take full blame in the two times I slapped you first after hours of listening to you be drunk and high and yelling at me how much you hate me over and over again. I was pushed to a limit and if you hated me as much as you were shouting it I snapped and thought I’ll give you something to hate. 

Three months into our marriage I emotionally checked out. It was sometime after the night you spit in my face not once but twice. You did this in front of your own stepfather. I started talking to someone from back home who was already my hero and one of my best friends. I talked to this person everyday for those last two months and if it wasn’t for this person I would have never left. This person gave me so much hope and courage that there was a better way of life out there and your addiction was something that you needed to get threw on your own not put me threw.

I begged and pleaded for so long for you to go to AA meetings, I told  you that I would work three jobs so you could go to rehab, I held an intervention that no one but me showed up to, I spoke with family and friends to try to get help and nothing. I fought so hard for us and for your life every time but I should have known better to fight with someone who was not in the right state of mind.

To this day you blame me for being the bad guy for leaving. You say I am the one that broke your heart into a million pieces, that I am a quitter, and so much more. You don’t think outside of yourself. You have no idea the pain, the guilt, the horribleness I felt on my end to have made that choice. You were too busy being high and drunk to even realize that I was dying inside and slowly making that choice each day. You would have seen how unhappy I was. Everyone else did. You broke my heart long before your heart was ever broken.

People ask if I wish you the best in your life now and all things like that. The only thing I wish for is that you get sober but I don’t know if that is ever going to happen. I use to believe in you even after I left. I always saw that there was a great decent human in you. I have come to learn now that there is not and I have every right to feel that way. My mind is still blown away that you are able to lie at this point and use your sister’s death date as a sober date when really you have been arrested so much since then which I am sure you somehow blame me for even though the arrests have been long long after me.

All respect has gone out the door forever. The only fear I have left towards you is hearing about your death at a young age. 

I loved you once so much, so much that I married you and I never wanted to get married. I thank you though for everything and teaching me lessons that I needed to learn about myself and help me grow as a human. I am the happiest I have ever been today.

Now that we are complete strangers.

-Lindsey Bernice

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “A Letter To The Man I Married.

  1. This is really powerful, and despite how painful the subject is you shared your story and this letter. Thanks for that. I’m glad everything is better now and good luck with everything! 😊

    Like

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